The Complex Divorce
Why do some divorces cost more than others?Many fields require many years of post-secondary education.
- One or both parties is self-employed
- One or both parties need to control/”win”
- One or both parties are not emotionally ready for the divorce
- One or both of the parties are dangerous to themselves or to others
The Healthy Way To Divorce In The State of New Jersey:
Divorce in the State of New Jersey, and perhaps anywhere else for that matter, is a process: a legal, economic, emotional and, dare I say, spiritual process. The people going through a divorce whether it was their idea or not, cannot help but be transformed by the “process”. While this transformation, to use a legal term, “mostly sucks”, there clearly is a “healthy way to divorce”.
In New Jersey, and perhaps anywhere else, a “healthy divorce” requires an equal focus on each of the four areas of transformation mentioned above: spiritual, emotional, economic and legal. If a divorcing spouse focuses initially upon the emotional and spiritual dimensions of the resulting changes, whether he/she likes them or not, that spouse generally will be much more successful, not only in the context of mediating and/or litigating the impending divorce, but, even more importantly, with the rest of their “new life” and/or with any potential there may be for reconciliation. Divorce, in its worst incarnations, breeds nothing but hurt, anger, fear, and the worst kinds of injuries human beings are capable of committing against one another. The effect these sorts of divorces can have on children is truly heartbreaking. It is, therefore, accordingly, essential that, whatever the circumstance may be, the participant in a divorce not only listen to their attorney (and accountant), but focus also on the emotional and spiritual dynamics whether chosen by them, or imposed upon them, by forces and/or persons they can’t control.
In contrast, an unhealthy divorce focuses on “control”. Control can permeate healthy and unhealthy marriages, as well as unhealthy divorces. Every marriage, even the good ones, including my 20+ years with my wife, have often involved issues of control and the unavoidable need on the part of both my wife and I to “be right” and/or “in control” of our children and each other. In dead marriages, the need to control is even worse. At least one of the parties, generally the party who is not emotionally ready to handle the divorce, develops an even more pressing need to control and “prevail” over the other spouse and, even worse, their children. It is, accordingly, imperative and arguably should be required before either party is being permitted to litigate a divorce, that both parties attend at least six (6) months of counseling and, as our law already provides, at least be apprised of the option to mediate, rather than litigate, issues involving their children, homes, property, and respective futures.
Accordingly, the healthy divorce contemplates counseling and mediation, the process by which child-centered divorcing parents recognize the need to resolve their differences despite their emotional challenges. The very real and understandable feelings of hurt, anger, and resentment are replaced with a commitment to share the pain, focus on the kids, and, hopefully, help each other move forward. These are the divorcing couples who choose a “healthy divorce and mange to remain dear friends, co-parent effectively, and even have significant others who can come to appreciate, rather than despise, the former spouse. The children of “healthy divorces” come to know two loving homes, rather than one; and, even more importantly, come to appreciate how their divorcing parents manage to lovingly solve the various problems associated with their separation and/or divorce. Accordingly, in the end, it is the children who most benefit from their parents’ commitment to a “healthy divorce.”
It is accordingly with this recognition that the attorneys and staff at Davis & Mendelson seek to represent their client’s interests in securing a true “victory” for our client’s as to all issues in the context of settlement and/or litigation; we work together with our clients, their accountant, therapist, and additional experts to secure favorable economic results for our clients while, at the same time, shielding our client’s children from the emotional scars that can sadly result when either party refuses to proceed in an appropriate manner. A truly “healthy divorce” facilitates our client’s economic prosperity, ability to start over and, just as importantly, children who can appropriately deal with the emotional issues incident to their parent’s divorce; while the family will obviously be different after the divorce, the family need not be considered “broken” after the divorce is complete. The “healthy divorce” saves time and money for the litigants, and permits the “family” to continue even after the parties have established two separate households.